20-year-old Sergey Kyrychenko has been a Dynamo Kiev fan for 12 years. Brought up on a spearhead of Andriy Shevchenko and Sergei Rebrov under famous coach Valeriy Lobanovsky who took the club to nine consecutive league titles from 1993 and a Champions League semi- in 1999, he now feeds on less tasteful fare. This is hard for a club with Dynamo’s long pedigree; in 1941 they suicidally thumped a German Nazi team 5-1 in the ‘Death Match’ that inspired Escape To Victory.

With the mercury dipping well below freezing, we keep our hoods up and curse evening kick-offs. Masochistically, Kiev fans avoid meeting in pubs, instead congregating in the park that surrounds the ground. We get talking to Andrei, a teenage Dynamo fan who tells us about his starring role in the crowd trouble that kicked off after the first leg meeting with Manchester United a week earlier. Given the size of him, we suspect he’s exaggerating for our benefit. One small mercy is that our tickets were arranged in advance through Black Tomato, so we’re at least spared an extremity-threatening half hour queuing to buy them on the door.

There are barely 10,000 people in the Dynamo Stadium as they face Metalist, a club that briefly registered on the English consciousness when they drew against Everton in this year’s UEFA Cup. They win here though – an 80th minute goal a rare moment of excitement in a dull match occasionally livened up by the skills of Brazilian Rincon. The home fans behind the goal do their bit – jumping around and singing for 90 minutes – although whether this is purely to relieve boredom and keep warm is debatable. Dynamo lose heavily to Manchester United in the Champions League four days later, then face country rivals and league leaders Shakhtar Donetsk the week after. At a mere £2.50 a ticket it’s always good to experience football in another country, but this was more like a training game than one involving a team that competes in Europe’s premier event.

<Next Instalment:Partying with Kiev’s super-rich and the Ukraine’s finest women. Brought to you by Clerk & Teller and Black Tomato>

C&T recommends:

• Drink: Anything as long as it’s hot
• Vittles: Take your own – there’s no catering in the stadium
• Songs in our head:  The Dynamo Anthem (http://www.fcdynamo.kiev.ua/en/)
• YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yv2hV-FyFAQ 
• YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT_aMM15MN0
• Reading: The Club magazine – if your Ukrainian is up to it

Essential Information for England Fans

If you’re planning on visting on Kiev for England’s match in the Group 6 World Cup qualifiers, bear the following essential points in mind:

• Cigarettes and alcohol are very cheap in Kiev, but the police take a hard-line, zero tolerance attitude to drink-driving. If you’ve hired a car and are planning on risking it, briefly imagine what a former Soviet prison might be like
• Similarly, don’t buy alcohol from street vendors if you value your eyesight and internal organs. Last year, 90 Russians died from Moonshine poisoning off one dodgy batch. Watch out for names like ‘Samogon’ or similar
• If you wake up gasping for a bit of hydration the morning after the match, the tap water is just about drinkable but boiling it – or sticking to the bottled stuff – is advisable
• If you meet up with a local lady, not offering your hand to her on leaving transport is considered about as polite as spitting in front of her
• Your flight will probably take you into Borispol Airport; this is 24 miles from the centre of town, so allow plenty of time if you’re arriving on the evening of the match. If possible, get into Zhuliany, which is only seven miles from the centre
• Stick to licensed taxis getting around the city; dial 058 or 059 from a payphone for one. Expect to pay roughly one hryvnia per kilometre. Most private cabs are non-metered, so negotiate a fixed price in advance